Baby Name Rejects: Voltron Lewandowski

Voltron sounds like a real action-oriented sort of person. That was the initial appeal. Voltron sounds like the kind of guy you want around in a crisis. Don't worry, Voltron is here. He'll handle everything. He has ice in his veins. The other appealing thing about this name is Tron as a possible nickname.

Unfortunately, there is already a futuristic cartoon superhero named Voltron. We don't want anyone to think that our son is a cartoon. So Voltron is out. We're also taking Optimus Prime Lewandowski and Destro Lewandowski off the list.

Rejected Baby Names: Bob Marley Lewandowski

The world loves Bob Marley. As well it should. Bob gave to the world sweet music, positive vibrations, and an earnest affirmation that everything is going to be alright. And the world has been thanking him for it ever since. Maybe some of that well deserved good will would flow to our son if he were Bob Marley's namesake. The doors to his awesome life would surely be blown off their hinges if we name our son Bob Marley.


The name is a slam dunk except for the dreadlock factor. We do not want to in any way communicate to our son that it would be appropriate for him to grow dreadlocks. We might be sending mixed messages by naming him Bob Marley.

You can carry the message of Bob's perfect love in your heart, you can wear it on your t-shirt, but you can't wear it as your hairstyle. Not if your last name is Lewandowski. Dreadlocks are an entirely unacceptable hairstyle for people of eastern European descent. Lotta options out there for our son. Dreadlocks not one of them.

We will not be able to name our son Israel Vibration Lewandowski for the same reason.

Karine informed me that our son may not even like reggae. Yeah, right.

Rejected Baby Names: Bonsai Tree Lewandowski

You could not find a sturdier name for a little boy. We would be proud to name our son Bonsai Tree. Bonsai trees are Japanese. And things that are Japanese are generally cool. Some cool things that are Japanese: sushi, ninjas, manga, anime, Cornelius, and this video.

The reason we are not naming our son Bonsai Tree is that we never intended to name our son Bonsai Tree. This is a fake Rejected Baby Names post. This post is a convoluted way to make an important announcement. I am embarking on a new career as a bonsai tree salesman.

All bonsai trees will be sold through my alter ego Bonsai Bob. Any questions regarding bonsai trees should be addressed to him. Thank you for your support.

Baby Name Rejects: Thelonious Lewandowski

I don't think Karine would be opposed to naming our son after one of the great musical geniuses of the twentieth century. But Thelonious would be a pretty tough sell. What would we call him for short? Onious?

This business of naming our child is starting to get a little intense.

Thelonious Monk

Monk was a little eccentric. He used to get off his piano bench during solos and do a little dance. No one else in jazz is really known for doing that. The spirit moved Monk to dance in funny little circles while his bandmates played on. It made sense to him.

He toured the states in 1971 with bassist Al McKibbon and and drummer Art Blakey. These guys had known each other for twenty years. Monk didn't talk to either one of them the whole tour. McKibbon remembers the tour years later: "On that tour Monk said about two words. I mean literally maybe two words. He didn't say 'Good morning', 'Goodnight', 'What time?' Nothing." After the tour ended Monk said that he couldn't speak because McKibbon and Blakey were too ugly.

Here's the mad scientist at work in Paris, 1966.

Baby Name Rejects: Obama Lewandowski

Baby names are trending toward Irish surnames in a big way. It all started with Connor. Connor used to be a last name, usually the last name of somebody named Tim or Meghan. Now every kindergarden class has a Connor or two. Its the twentieth most popular name for little boys born in 2008.

So now the floodgates are open. McGregor, McGill, McDuff, McFadden, McDuck. Any and all available Irish surnames are now fair game. Thousands of people who are not Irish are giving their children Irish last names as first names. It is a trend without limits. Where will it go next?

We thought maybe Africa. African surnames are lyrically beautiful. Breathtaking, some of them. Obama certainly has a certain shine right now. Obama Lewandowski. Other African surname candidates: Achebe Lewandowski, Ngugi Lewandowski, Mandela Lewandowski.

If we had a less flavorful last name these African surnames would work just fine. They'd be serious contenders. But Lewandowski is a mouthful by itself. So we are officially disqualifing all African surnames.

Baby Trike

Karine and I are huge fans of Sarah Palin. We think she is adorable. Governor Palin has many wonderful qualities. She is hot. She says really funny things. She winks a lot. She shoots moose and makes burgers out of them. She is a trend setting baby namer.

It is no doubt the Palin influence which led us to seriously consider naming our little boy Trike. We have decided against it. We donate this name to our community of loyal readers. Enjoy!


We also considered Baby Tank.

Baby Hephaestus

Hephaestus was a pretty cool guy. He made thunderbolts for Zeus and was married to the most beautiful creature in the Universe. He was a big supporter of technology, artisans, and fire. And he was really, really strong.

But he was also really ugly. So that name is out too.

Baby Atlas

I would like to publicly announce that we will not be naming our little boy Atlas. Many, many people have expressed support for this name. Some people even exclaimed that it was surely the best name they have ever heard for a little boy. Ever. After some heated discussion, we have decided to go with something more traditional. We are donating the name to our community of readers. Feel free to use and enjoy this unconventional but unquestionably awesome name as you wish.

Painting by Boris Vallejo